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Private Thoughts

I woke up in the middle of the night and Pads is still here. I still can’t believe I have Pads back. It seems - or more appropriately - it feels like a dream. I love to watch him while he sleeps. After all that’s happened he seems at peace. Though all the rough times are etched on his slim face. There are so many things that I wish I could go back in time and change or at least burn into my memory. I wish I could go back to the first time he drug me to a Quidditch match and watch him. I was too busy being a prat to put his reactions to memory - forget when he’d yell or shake me when we made a goal. I just wanted to go back to the library and finish my essays. Pads I’d take it all back if I could. I just loved you so much but while you were in Azkaban I hated you – for what you did to James and Lily and then I realized how many times you manipulated me. I hate chandeliers… but that’s all in the past Pads. It can all be forgiven. An inspirational man taught me that. He forgave me and I can forgive you. I did when I got you back the first time. Then I had to watch you fall through the veil. The only thing that kept me on this side was Harry. I could just imagine what James would say on the other side. “Moony you sock head! You were supposed to watch over Harry for us.” Harry has the same scowl as James. It’s so odd to see it with Lily’s eyes.

Then I got you back again and I though it was someone playing a horrible joke. Only I’m not sure who would have done such a thing to me or how they could have gotten a sample of you. I could have hexed you right back to where you came from but you proved yourself. I got you back again and I won’t let you go again. I don’t know what I’m going to tell Severus and I don’t know what to do about Harry. Merlin if you only knew - you’d hex me. I’ll just have to deal with it when it happens and hope that you understand. I did it all while you were gone. I thought I’d lost you forever when I did those things. I had lost my life when you fell. I have you back Pads and it’s not a dream. I won’t loose you again. The only thing that could separate us now is my curse consuming me and as far as I know that’s a long time away.

Though sometimes in the dead of the night I get this strange feeling around you. Like some thing isn’t right. A feeling like I’m going to loose you again. I’ve lost you two times now and I won’t loose you a third. I’ll hex anyone that tries to take you. I’m sure I’m just being paranoid. That’s what you would say. You’d tell me I was being a sock head – even though that’s James’ phrase. I just can’t shake it though. I have this feeling of doom approaching or something bad will happen. I’m just being silly and a full moon is getting close. That’s all Remus.

Pads you’re so beautiful while you sleep.


mwac by: snapes_pet
Remus J. Lupin

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